Thursday, March 20, 2008

Behind Every Security is an Insecurity

It often surprises me how easily my personality and feelings about myself can change depending on the group of people I surround myself with at any given time.

Over the weekend I found my insecurities heightened when I was out with a group of people, many of whom I've known for the last two years. Every time I see them, I feel the peripheral acceptance of the group, however I also am aware of a deeper feeling of non acceptance. Why is my comfort level so low with this group of people? Why do I find myself more comfortable with strangers? Why do I feel I can make friends so easily with the majority of the population but this group? I often ask myself these questions but it could perhaps just be that I am completely different from them. Or maybe they perceive me to be completely different from them, when really I am very similar?

Whatever the reason, the glass wall of insecurity still upholds when I see them, and also quite possibly the wall blocking my true personality. I feel I must change this or I will continue to live my adult life in fear of what other people think of me. I realize everyone has their own lack of confidence in one way or another. It may be possible this group of people may have an insecurity or two when they see me as well. It's a part of human nature I am still struggling with. When I was growing up, I was under the impression I would be more comfortable with myself as I entered adult hood. And I definitely remember teachers and other influential adults mention the age of 30 was when they stopped caring what others thought of them. I will be 28 years old in July and still no sign of this happening any time soon. I'm hoping 30 will be my magic number.

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