Saying NO (confessions of a pushover)

Surprise Surprise, I am one of those people who have such an issue with saying NO.

To some I'm sure this may come as a surprise because I have no problems saying no to strangers or speaking my mind to friends if for example I get shoved by someone on the subway. But when it comes to family, coworkers and sometimes friends, I have this issue with saying no when they ask me to do something.

I do enjoy being perceived as the 'nice girl' and I really do have good intentions with those I feel are important to me but I also am realizing that in order to attain self confidence, maintain my physical and mental health, and be well respected, I need to start standing up for myself. I need to let people know how to treat me rather than be so worried about how I come across. As my friends are starting families, I'm realizing I need to change this well before I start a family of my own! I need to be a good role model and achieve the confidence and self esteem I am clearly lacking before I pass my anxiety on - as I feel may have been passed on to me.

I know I need to start being more assertive and I know I should be looking after myself more without worrying about what people will think of me. I know this can be done in an effective manner. I just have to learn and eventually I will earn the respect I deserve among work colleagues, family and friends. I know my family and friends love me but I also know I panic too often and it does have to be toned down.

My gosh I'm sure I'm annoying. I cannot be taken seriously however if I'm constantly being a pushover.

Patio Season Comes Early!

Finally the warm weather has emerged from it's shroud of shivering cold and dark clouds.

I have noticed a remarkable change in my mood lately and am so happy the weather has been perfect enough to start the summer patio season early!

Any patio really is fun to me. As long as there are good people, service and drinks, I'm ecstatic. I understand the appeal of The Patio in Canada. Approximately six months out of the year we are stuck inside watching the cold snow, blustery wind and wet icey cold rain take over our once beautiful green lawns, beaches and decks. We breathe the same stale air and complain about the cold. Depression grabs hold of some and the ongoing feeling of fatigue hits others. Some are lucky to escape the wintery blues but I have never been one of them.

I just want to lay, stretched out, embracing the sunshine while I can. I know the risks of cancer and wrinkles and spots etc etc. But the warm sun to me is like a dead beat dad. It comes around only a few months out of the year. When it does show up, it bears gifts - in this case, leaves, grass and flowers. It will stay and keep you warm for only a short time so you had better hold it as close as you can before it disappears again. I know I can be very cheesey in my depictions:)

The Ex Factor

Most people have an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend. How else do you realize when you have found 'the one' if you haven't tested out other models?

Still, the 'ex factor' continues to follow me around even though I have settled down and will be saying my vows to the man of my dreams in just a few months.

Just yesterday, I came into work and checked my personal email (yes I'm bad like that), only to find a message from my ex boyfriend, someone I haven't talked to in a couple of years, asking how I was doing and that he was thinking of me. My initial reaction was shock. Why, after this long, had he wanted to contact me? Why would he think I would want to know how he is doing?

It's funny to hear from this particular ex at such a turning point in my life. This person was quite a large part of my life in a good way and a bad way. We had quite the tumultuous relationship. I had dated him for several years (five years) and was very much attached to him. Our break up was one of the most stressful, heartbreaking experiences I have ever gone through and it took a lot out of me to finally cut ties with him. When I met my current fiance, all I had gone through with my ex boyfriend went out the window. What I thought that relationship had stood for no longer mattered. I had finally found true love. It's true you know when you have found The One. It just happens really and I am very fortunate.

What I am thinking now is if this is a test. Some weird Universe-playing-mind-games-with-me test. Why would this person try to reach out to me now? Yes I do tend to read more into things than I should. It's just the nature of me! But really when I heard from him there were no long lost feelings, no need or want to be in contact with him. Yes there was curiosity but that was it. In fact, what it made me confirm was just how happy and lucky I am to have my fiance. I slept better last night than I have slept for months.

Because I feel so comfortable with my current situation, I did email back only to let him know have moved on. I do wish 'the ex' well but at the same time I don't need to know anything else about him as I am very content with my situation now. I'm looking ahead now and am seeing such a bright future.

When We have to say goodbye to our Loved Ones

I've been feeling many emotions up and down in the last few months. Brilliant emotions about my upcoming wedding, low emotions about my current career situation and very recently low emotions about the up coming passing of my grandma.

Recently, my dad phoned to let me know my grandma was diagnosed with Accute Lieukemia and had only days to live. The shock that entered my body and mind was overwhelming. My grandma, mother of nine grown children, grandmother to over 30 grandchildren and great grandchildren would be leaving us all forever. Being such a strong woman her entire life and conquering colon cancer with chemotherapy and faith only five years ago, I didn't expect her to go in such a shockingly short time, without the chance to even fight.

My grandma has been my inspiration in everything she has done and stood for. My dad is the eldest of her nine children and very close to his mom. I also was close to her. She organized a large family, endured an unsatisfying marriage and finally separated from her husband, my grandpa, when she was 75 years old! She found the strength to save for her own house and move out after over 50 years of marriage. This event in my grandma's life later provided me with the strength and inspiration to follow in her footsteps when I found myself living with a boyfriend who didn't treat me properly (to put it lightly) at the young age of 23.

When I first received the call from my dad, I felt very alone and very far away. I live only two hours away but wished I could have rushed to my grandma's side the same night. I did go the following day to see her and am happy I did. The Lieukemia hadn't yet taken her life or her livelihood away. Because of the time frame given to her by the doctors, I had to mourn her when I was visiting with her in person. This proved to be very difficult but I had the opportunity to see her alive. While difficult however, I had the opportunity to show my appreciation to her, comfort her and say goodbye.

Many people don't have the opportunity to say goodbye to those they love. Many people pass away unexpectedly and goodbyes must be said when the deceased are already six feet under ground. I now feel fortunate to have had the chance to see my grandma before she left. While I found myself mourning her coming death, I also found myself celebrating the life and legacy she was leaving behind.

The DUI Issue

It seems getting arrested for a DUI is becoming common place for many celebrities. Much like hair extensions, forgetting to wear underwear, getting pregnant and wearing the next hottest designer shoes, getting busted for a DUI seems to be the next celebrity trend.

In all seriousness, posing for a mug shot is no cover of Vogue or Rolling Stone, so why are so many of today's stars choosing to risk not only their own lives but other people's lives rather than hire a driver?

One could speculate that the rising amount of DUI arrests coincides with ones falling career. Looking at the list of arrests in the last year and a half, we have seen B Celebrities including: Nicole Ritchie arrested in December 2006 with possession of narcotics and for driving the wrong way on the 134 Freeway in Burbank California. Mischa Barton was arrested on December 27 for DUI and possession of pills. The Goodfella was a Badfella when Ray Liotta crashed his car into two parked cars in February and was arrested under suspicion he was under the influence. Richie Sambora was very recently arrested on March 26 for driving under the influence of alcohol and Lindsay Lohan is a constant in the Celebrity DUI trend.

Perhaps for the celebrities who are seeing their once soaring careers plummet, bad publicity is still seen as good publicity. This could also perhaps be a public cry for help.

On another note, celebrities who are in the midst of successful careers and promising contracts have been in the news for DUI's as well. Mel Gibson and Keifer Sutherland come to mind among celebrities who stumbled (literally and figuratively) down the wrong path at the height of their careers. It could very well be that fame can fog one's sense of right verses wrong.

We see these individuals as almost super human. People who are on our TV's and in magazines always appearing to live the perfect life. When we see a celebrity mug shot, we now view them as people, struggling with the same dilemmas as many of us 'common folk' struggle with.

Hopefully the new DUI 'trend' will subside along with the latest fashion trend. While it's bad enough to see these celebs possibly harm themselves, it would be a horrible loss to witness someone foolishly take another person's life for the sake of self absorption.

The Sporting Goods

We played our last game of Ultimate Frisbee last night and won the championships! I must say I was very impressed considering many of our team members were missing.

I've never played a sport in my life before joining Ultimate Frisbee. It was actually last Spring, my boyfriend (now fiance!) convinced me to join just for fun and to give us something to do together. I very reluctantly joined Spring season, then Summer Season (where we won the championship), the Fall and now Winter has wrapped up. I was very reluctant at first because I wasn't confident in my sporting abilities whatsoever. I never thought I could play any sport. I just didn't think I was the type or was cut out for it.

I still have those being-picked-last-in-gym-class low confident days but after last night I'm really proud to say I am part of a team and I am very proud of my fiance. He has given me the confidence to feel I can do anything as long as I try my best. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have ever tried a sport or begun to write again! He is my number one fan in everything I do and I am so lucky to have met such an amazing human being.

While I have pushed myself to my own personal limits playing this sport, I am excited to join yet another season. The team is a great group of people and I can't wait to win in the Spring season!